Arkain West is walking to Blackwell High School where his mother works. He is supposed to help his mother with some after school activities. Arkain has always considered himself to be a normal looking boy with brown hair, green eyes, six foot one, and skinny.
Arkain
What the hell?
The back of his neck tingled. It is his birthmark place. This was odd to him simply because it never has. He begins to notice there are no students out on the quad.
Arkain
That's weird. Maybe they're inside today.
Gemma was sitting on the bench reading. He approached her. He's spoken to her before, and maybe she'd know where everyone is at.
Arkain
Hello, Gemma.
Gemma
Hello, Arkain. What are you doing here?
Arkain
My mom told me to stop by to help out with some after school stuff.
Gemma
I forgot she was your mother.
Gemma looked up at him. Her eyes grew wide with what seemed like horror.
Arkain
Oh, it's okay, it's not a big deal.
Gemma
I'm sure it will be.
Arkain
What's that mean?
Gemma
Your mom won't need help today, Arkain. You can go home, she isn't here.
He didn't know what she was saying. He lost his words for a second.
Arkain
What do you mean they're not here? Field trip or something? I'm sure my mom would have told me. It's not like my mom to send me places and-
Gemma
Remember when you told me once you can feel the stars?
Again, he did not know what to say.
Arkain
Um...yes?
Gemma
What is it about the stars that you can feel?
He sat down next to her.
Arkain
It's as if they each have a heart. A pulse or something.
Gemma
I wish it was only stars in my head.
He was wondering what she meant.
Arkain
Speaking of past events, last time I saw you in the great hall you kept looking out the window, what were you looking at? I never did get to ask you.
She still was just looking at her book.
Gemma
The rain.
It had been raining for 6 days straight that week.
Gemma
The rain is the only thing that calms me.
Arkain
Are you okay, Gemma?
He put his hand on her left hand.
Gemma
It depends on what okay is.
Arkain
Are you hurt?
Gemma
No.
Arkain
You seem tense.
Gemma
I'm afraid.
Arkain
Afraid of what Gemma?
Gemma
Myself.
Arkain
Why would you be afraid of yourself?
Gemma
Because I do not know who I am, Arkain. Someone is writing my story as I stare blankly into the universe, and I am lost Arkain. I am unknown.
Arkain
That's a bit dramatic, don't you think, Gemma? You are someone. I know it. There is something special about you.
She looked at Arkain, although he knew she couldn't see him completely.
Gemma
It's not that simple. You wouldn't understand. Your connection with the stars, those pulses you receive from them, I long for those. I long for anything that would make me feel special.
Arkain
What's going on? Should I get my mom?
Gemma
No, you won't find her.
Arkain
What do you mean I won't find her?
Sitting there, he could not fathom her words.
Gemma
They're coming for us.
Arkain
Gemma, what is going on!
The only thought that raced through his head was if this is why everyone wasn't outside.
Gemma
I don't want to die.
She turned to him, tears pouring down her white eyes and her dead face.
Gemma
They want me Arkain, Krysin said they want you, too.
Arkain
(Who the hell is Krysin? - This means it is in a character's head) Gemma, I'm going to get my mom.
Gemma
It's too late Arkain, it's too late.
He got up.
Arkain
Be right back. Just stay here, okay?
He ran into the assembly hall and did not find anyone. He ran into the classrooms, the cafeteria, bathrooms, and office, and found no one. He didn't know what was going on. He ran back outside to Gemma. She had to know what was going.
Arkain
Gemma, what is-?
There was a man sitting next to Gemma, an older looking man with a white staff.
Unknown man
Hello Arkain. The irony that time would spawn both good and evil in the same place when the war has begun. Come sit with us please, we are leaving.
Arkain went and sat down next to Gemma as if he were compelled to do so.
Unknown Man
I'm sorry, forgive my hastiness, I am Amros.
Arkain looked at him in utter disbelief.
Amros
Relax, Arkain. You are in no danger if we leave with great haste.
A small white fox appeared from behind the man's shoulder and pounced on top of Arkain's lap.
Fox
Hi, I'm Fallen, and you look like you've just seen something you don't see everyday.
Arkain swallowed what saliva was still present in his throat.
Fallen
You aren't good with the unorthodox, are you?
There was a purr to the side of Arkain's legs. There was a tiger lying under the bench.
Fallen
That's Merdos. Relax, I don't bite, but he might though, so it be wise to not try and run.
Arkain began to think he'd gone insane.
Amros
They're coming. We must depart now.
They were gone when the words left his mouth.
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i had totally forgot what Arkain looked
ReplyDeletelike lolz
but its making sense reading from the beginning
again...
Gemma sounds a lil freaky in
da beginning <3
it's good that you put what he looked like in there :)
ReplyDeleteHe's shorter than me! hahah
Anyways, i really like this, cause you think he's just going to see his mom, and then he ends up meeting man he doesn't know.
And now they have to leave? You just want to know what's going to happen next.
"you can feel the stars" is always an amazing line.
ReplyDeletei forgot how good this chapter was :)
ReplyDeleteI'd have to agree with the person under me
ReplyDeleteI have totally forgotten what Arkain looked like.
Ha! I'm going to start reading a chapter everyday again!
<3333333
love it.
I've always loved the fact that Arkain has green eyes because i found green eyes fascianting. Arkain IS fascinating. HA. just a random thought. This is only the beginning, but I'm already beggining to grasp on how lost Gemma feels ever since. That thing of insider of her, how it's eating her out.
ReplyDeleteOh God, It's really cool story. When I started reading it I don't want to end it but I need to click the other chapters at the side I wish it's continuous.
ReplyDeletereally good!!
ReplyDeletesrry i havent been on to read lately i have been super busy
The storyline is great so far. I'm really intrigued. And the names of the characters are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSome of the ways you phrase things could use some work, but over all, good job thus far.
Can't wait to read the rest.
Im not gonna like this is kinda creepy in the sense i cant stop reading it lol
ReplyDeletetake it as a compliment this is Great so far!! :)
I really like the unknowingness that you leave behind in the first chapter. Your starting to wonder who Gemma is and also the same with the other characters and whats going to happen with Arkain. It makes people want to read more and find out which I think is something good in a book because you dont want someone to put it down so thats why im going to continue....
ReplyDeleteGreat way to draw the reader in :) I love the mysteriousness of Amros!
ReplyDeleteI too love the unknowingness, im intrigued and will read on
ReplyDeleteyou have an amazing imagination
ReplyDeleteWow, this is major. :]
ReplyDeleteI'm so in awe right now.
Gotta go read.
This reminds me of when I was 12 years old and I would write all these fantasy stories haha. I'm really enjoying this so far. Even though it leaves much to the imagination, I know enough to stay on a certain path of understanding..........
ReplyDeleteok, now reading this a second time I see it differently. from the prologue, i see it as suddenly everyone vanishes. the same day earlier everyone was normal and everything was a pretty boring day and then after jakes encounter with gemma everyone just disappears. thats what you wrote it as, but i dont know if you meant it that way. but its really good. maybe the screenplay can be written that way. onto chapter 2
ReplyDeleteyou have such a great imagination. I can picture everything crystal clear in my head :) I really like how Arkain can "feel the stars" and how eerie Gemma seems.. I wonder where everyone went...better keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI feel for Gemma from the very begining..on how she feels bad and cant help it even tho its her other half..she cant control it...and you just know Arkain is a great person ..just on how he treats Gemma from the very start ..awesome..
ReplyDeleteIm anxious from the start haha..
i know this is bad but the first thing i liked was that the conversations were in italian colors haha. cuz i am italian.
ReplyDeletegemma freaked me out here a little.
From the first 2 lines this caught my attention.. The mystery left me wanted to read more and more.
ReplyDeleteAt first I wondered what the hell the story is about.
again i keep forgetting when you turn it into a graphic novel.everything will flow better.but other then that its straight forward.i like that and also you can feel the rise in the story working towards a climax already.
ReplyDeletereminds me of lord of the rings kinda lol
ReplyDeleteI like how dream-like Gemma's and Arkain's conversation was. It was eerie, but strangely pretty.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
well thought intro i liked how gemma was playing a fool to arkain untill she brokedown and realized something was wrong
ReplyDeleteI like this chapter. The conversation could have gone on a bit longer though
ReplyDeletei think in comparison to the prologue this first chapter is a little weak, and i agree with mindset_control. Akrain is the main character so maybe you should have so more time to describe his features, expressions, thoughts, personality etc. before the story gets going.
ReplyDeletei almost wish that there was a gap in between the prologue and this scene, like what Akrain had done during the day, maybe explain his social life more. give the reader more time to think of all of the possibilities of the prologue and wondering when and how gemma ties into akrain's life
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI read a lot of comments and i can see what they are saying about u describing more or giving us more time before the prologue and the first scene
ReplyDeletebut i i kind alike the way it is
i felt like i was loss with him
like im tryna figure out wtf is going on
who is this crazy god forsaken girl
how does arkain kno her
i was hoping things wud be revealed as teh story goes along
i feel the way u are doing it is perfectly fine
i feel pulled in
and feel the sense of whats wrong
something is about to go down
and im as clueless at arkain is
on to chapter 2!!! :)
I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation so far!
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued as to where this is going. You start to wonder who these characters are, and where they're going to keep going. It keeps me thinking. I love it.
ReplyDeleteI like when Arkain comes back outside and finds and old man sitting next to gemma. She is so nonplused while he is completely lost. Is she clueless, sociopathic, or still struggling with the voices in her head? Love the mystery.
ReplyDeletemisterious. but still good.
ReplyDeleteI like it that I still don't know what's going on, but it would be good if I was explained a few in next chapter, it's gonna be a manga right?
just one question I've got there, prologue said gemma's the only human there right? why then does arkain look normal and everything?
This chapter leaves me with so many questions. I'm sure this was your intention.
ReplyDeleteIt compels me to keep reading, this is good.
The story is very fast paced throwing you right into the mix. Most people would say this is a bad thing. However, I find it proper.
The truth is reality never gives you time to catch up.
Arkain's bewilderment is proper and gives him a very human aspect and creates a parallel with the reader.
Its something to relate to.
Immediately, I like Fallen.
A white fox just reeks of greatness.
Aside from that, I enjoyed the dialogue from him/her.
It was funny that Arkain was made to be the strange one, as if it all was part of daily life, yet the fox still used the word unorthodox.
Priceless.
Now, I will get into some of the questions left sitting after reading:
(I do not expect you to answer. I just feel that you should know what is going through my head.)
What exactly is the significance of Arkain's birthmark?
What happened to everyone?
Are they dead?
If so, was it Gemma?
What is Arkain's connection to the stars?
Who exactly are "they"?
Who are these three new characters?
They obviously desire to get away from they but what are the motives of these new characters?
As a side note:
If this is truly going to transition into a graphic novel then there is really no reason you should take extra detail in describing the character's physical features.
I appreciate that you did though.
I also appreciate that you differentiated character dialogue through use of colors.
It made it much easier for me to read.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm trying to touch everything at once.
I'm trying to provide as much feedback as possible while everything is fresh in my mind.
Good tension in the dialogue between Gemma and Arkain. Interesting characters introduced; I'm hoping to see Fallen developed more in subsequent chapters. And yet again the reader is left with interesting questions that will only be answered by reading further. Good first chapter.
ReplyDeletei really liked the flow of the dialogue, it helps capture the conversation and makes it Really easy to immerse yourself into, also the inside thoughts from arkain help a ton too, it helps you sorta put yourself in his shoes as well, the only downside i would say is the lack of narration ends up leaving my imagination open to interpret the setting, and it sorta causes a lack of grounding in my mental image, which ended up having me imagine the setting take place in basically hogwarts from harry potter, or something similar looking to that, due to the crazy stuff happening at the end of the chapter.
ReplyDelete-flails- I LOVE FALLEN, SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS A WHITE FOX.
ReplyDeleteand yeah, thats an awesome line; 'Remember when you told me once, you can feel the stars?'
it draws in the reader so much, im so very curious as to what gema has in stock for us! (aand how arkain will react to it all :P )
So far, you've done a great job of building up the suspense here. I like that you kept both the prologue and this chapter very short and given the readers a ton of questions to be answered later on. Makes it much harder to stop reading.
ReplyDeleteHoping you keep the suspense going for a while.
Steven, this is very interesting! I wasn’t sure what to expect, but what I found I like very much. Your first chapter leaves the reader wanting more which is always good! ♥
ReplyDeleteI like how he thought something was going on but then dismissed like we all do. it leaves so many questions in my head but also put answered a couple from the prologue. truly griping
ReplyDeleteI like how you started with a description and the fact that he has a birthmark. Also, I like how you introduced three new characters instead of one. I like how you made it vague by letting amros say the thing about good and evil. this had me wondering wether he got taken by the good guys or the bad guys.
ReplyDeleteoh and i meant four characters instead of one.
ReplyDeleteEnded this chapter with my mouth dropped. Amazing writing skills. I like everything about this! Can't wait to catch up to the rest.
ReplyDeleteLiking it a lot so far. I feel like I'm inside the story, watching it. Great introduction of characters. Some of the dialogue is confusing at first read though. Really getting drawn into the characters.
ReplyDeleteYou have got some serious talent, as I read it I imagine it being some sort anime :P I'm enjoying this so far, great job! :D
ReplyDeleteMost definitely an amazing chapter. Going to get back into reading this for you Steven and put in my input. It was a great chapter and I liked the way it keeps you wanting more. Although and times it does sound a bit repetitive but maybe that's what you're attempting to achieve. So far, great job.
ReplyDeleteThat's sick! A talking fox and a tiger!? Is the tiger white too?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the names and Arkain's confusion. And the suspense. Gemma was scared shitless and it makes me wonder why.
I am interested in this Fallen character. It's looking to be like Arkain will be a part of some universe-related catastrophe, that only he and these introduced characters can solve.
ReplyDeleteAlmost reminds me of the Golden Compass
ReplyDeleteCLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! really inspired me to read more heheheh I wanna know where they're going!!!
ReplyDeleteyou just put those well written lips right around my braincock
ReplyDeleteso did she like kill everyone or banish them somewhere... or are they somewhere else
and i would poo a little if a fox started speaking to me
i must continue reading
This chapter doesn't quite have the same grab factor that first one does with the weird voice talking to Gemma, but i think you executed it much better, especially by leaving the reader with so many questions. The dialogue between them feels more natural, and you're left wondering "what did she do?", "who's this guy?", "what's wrong with Gemma?" and that kind of stuff will get you to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe only complaint i can make is that some choppy sentences kinda mess with the flow of it all, things like "There was a purr to the side of Arkain's legs, there was a tiger lying under the bench." just seem awkward. But apart from minor pieces like that, very nice.
Yup like I said before you do a good job keeping the reader interested! Where did everyone go!! Very good writing, skills and I love the fantasy story line of this!
ReplyDeleteWell the ending took me by surprise! When Gemma brought up Arkain's ability to feel the stars my first thought was Aliens! Then When the older man appeared with the animals I didn't know what to think anymore. Magic maybe? Gemma seems like a sad character: things are happening to her that she can't control. Or can she? I'll find out soon enough.
ReplyDeleteI think I know now what you meant when you said you don't like the genre classification "fantasy." I was just asking where one would find your book in Barnes and Noble once it's written. I've no idea where this story is going, and feel fairly confident that any guess I may make will be proven incorrect within three sentences of the next chapter. As for the characters, I already like Gemma more than I like Arkain, but that's because he seems the innocent straightman next to her decidedly insane crookedness. Then again, maybe she isn't so insane; the talking fox makes anything possible. Sorrowful and lost, more like. I like sorrowful and lost, adds flavor.
ReplyDeleteI like the suspense but i honestly feel like i dont know shit yet lol. I feel as your grabbing my attention by teasing me which is great but i feel as im completely lost trying to tie in lines and etc. Cant wait to see what happens in chapter 2. BTW Gemma=wierdo trips me out! LOL
ReplyDeleteThe way that Amros and Fallen are introduced is something I would have not expected but it definitely worked and it allowed for them to merge effortlessly. It is just enticing that Gemma has this way of thinking in which others find strange but it all makes sense in her mind. Something totally different and that is what makes her special.
ReplyDeleteSo far, I feel like it is a cross between Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. I am not sure what is to come, but I am sure that I will be sucked into it like everyone else has been. It was a bit confusing who the creatures were but I am sure with more description and time, as things come to fruition. It is also bizarre that Arkain did not have any inklings about what had happened since he has a connection to the "universe." But I am sure to find out if this is true or not.
ReplyDeleteOk, totally did NOT expect this. Really cool introduction of Merdos and Fallen. I'm kinda happy that Gemma has someone though, well until now or for now. Gemma really scares me but in a good way? if that makes sense lol love the suspense though!
ReplyDeleteI'm loving Gemma's character. And that Arkain seems to genuinely care about her, even in this short encounter and even though they don't know each other well. I also like that you keep this feeling of mystery around every character; makes me wanna keep reading and find out more about them.
ReplyDelete