For ______________ and ______________
Quote:
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Gemma sat down on a bench at school with a small red book opened in her lap. She had long black hair hanging past her shoulders and skin as pale as the body in a coffin at a wake. She is seventeen. She spends most of her time alone; she does not know a human other than her parents and her grandma.
Class mate
Hey Gemma, why are you trying to read?
Gemma did not glance away from her book. She never paid much attention to the kids at school, even less after school. The surrounding kids looked over in curiosity. Once she noticed the boy would not leave she finally responded.
Gemma
Why do you ask, Jake?
Jake
Well, you can't even see the pages.
She looked up at Jake, her eyes white as her face. Gemma has almost completely lost her sight.
Gemma
You may just be right.
In her head a sinister voice spoke.
Kill him.
Gemma
I will not.
Jake
You won't what?
Gemma
Nothing, Jake.
Kill him.
Jake
Well, do you want to play with us?
Gemma
You ask why I am reading when I cannot see, yet you have no problem with me playing basketball?
Her voice conveyed her annoyance.
Jake
It's worth a try.
Kill him.
Gemma
I suggest you go back to your business, Jake.
Jake
Why? I'm just being nice!
Jake's sudden uprising in anger caused more people to look around.
Kill him.
Gemma
Sometimes being nice doesn't stop the words in someone's head.
She closed her book
Gemma
Now I must ask you to go back to your game, Jake.
Kill him.
Jake
Shut up, you ugly bitch! You don't know anything, this is why no one likes you!
Kill him
Gemma
I'm done here, Jake.
Jake threw the ball at her face. Gemma's nose began to bleed.
This boy must die.
Gemma
It escapes me, Jake.
Jake
What does? What are you talking about, freak? Gemma, your eyes!
Gemma's eyes turned black.
Gemma
I'm sorry.
Kill him, now.
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love how that was writtten :]
ReplyDeleteI love ARKAIN
ReplyDeleteSteven M
is a great writer
it look interesting, i gotta find some time to read these famous chapters, i hear about alot.
ReplyDelete:]
who knows you might become a famous writer YO!
wow, this seems really interesting.
ReplyDeletecant wait for the next chapters(:
oooooh cool!! :)
ReplyDeleteinteresting :D
so prologues are one of my favorite things to read because you can get a feel for what your about to read, and this one is amazing!
ReplyDeleteI think this is so good.
ReplyDeleteIt's kinda like a show I watched, don't remember which one, but it's things like these that grab my attention, and keep me on the edge of my seat :)
Nice job Bud!
I like that you had Jake antagonize her about reading but not playing dodgeball. that's really what happens, so I appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteexcellent description of Gemma.i could see her clearly in my head.
ReplyDeletereading this the 2nd time around gave me a better understanind. YES. =P
ReplyDeleteI think now, Gemma could be beautiful.
She is beautiful, even with that monster inside of her. That Jake dude, still clueless of course. haha. reading on. finally. <3
haha nice! cant wait to start reading
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting story. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteinteresting story!!
ReplyDeletevery nice really intriques me to read more
ReplyDeleteVery captivating for a prologue. Will keep reading :D
ReplyDeleteAhh it's nice to start reading this again..
ReplyDeletemakes me wonder why i stopped before! lol
I like chapter one, it doesnt tell you so much and you cant really see whats coming but it all makes so much sense in the long run. This is the kind of story that every little detail matters lol
i love it!!
I like the way this is structured it looks like its going to be a good book. I like how you showed her emotion to kill him after everything she said. Its looks like its going to be very interesting. Gonna start reading.
ReplyDeleteHello sir.
ReplyDeleteIt's me, tinker683. Interesting premise. Is this story set in America or Japan? I only ask because of the dialogue
wow that totally drew me in...intense!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with ____(iforgot) anywho they said something about the prologue. I'd check, but i'm too lazy. Anywho, this was really good.
ReplyDeleteIt kinda reminds me of when people are talking to me and if they start being hateful my mind wanders and I think of some intense scene of me beating them up then killing them by twisting their necks. =/ i'm horrible
ooooo that girl is vicious
ReplyDeleteLove it so far! I can see it all play in my head :)
ReplyDeletehad to start from the beginning!!! lol
ReplyDeletestill really like this steven. very visual. commented on this one already. continuing to chapter 1
ReplyDeletealready hooked from the beginning!
ReplyDeleteit almost reads like a poem...
at first i got a little confused because of how the dialogue is but i go used to it.
ReplyDeletedialogue is a bit confusing at first. but easily adapted to. i like the tension and how fast people attitudes change in this
ReplyDeleteso far its pretty good . definitely wanna read more
ReplyDeleteOoh, I love it.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely see this as a graphic novel.
Wow, the prologue is an attention grabber! I like it a lot!!!
ReplyDeleteI like how it goes back and forth from gemma to the voice then to gemma and to the voice.
the lonely person kills.. enough said its universally great when it happens when the inner voices control us
ReplyDeleteI liked the dialogue style and this was an interesting opening. Certainly lots of room to take the story in whatever direction you want.
ReplyDeletemy only disconnect during the whole thing was when the boy threw the baseball in her face. I thought that was a little over the top and i cant see anyone doing that unless much harsher words were exchanged.
Otherwise i thought it was great.
Good prolouge but I have to agree with the person who said that the ball throwing was a bit over the top
ReplyDeletei really like this beginning! i brings intrigue and it brings the reader in so they want to know what happens next! very good opening
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI must say so far I have been pulled in.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to the following chapters after this.
Her eyes are what pulled me in (From the almost all white to the sudden all black) and that voice...evil...
i could see it all
I was just picturing and visualizing the scene in my head. I love being able to see thinsg or hear them. Imagery is so important to me.
:)
My friend recommended this story and I have to say...I LOVE IT!! omg..It's sooo awesome...you should be getting paid! :)
ReplyDeleteHey man,
ReplyDeleteafter the prologue I'm finding it hard to connect to Gemma, as she seems very distant to me.
I love the intensity, it's great :) visually awesome.
ReplyDeletethe eyes are striking. very cool!
ReplyDeleteOkay, so let me start my opinion making on your story okay? :)
ReplyDeleteviki from NC over here xP
so first of all, at first glance I thought it was a naruto doujinshi script, cause Gemma's name was soo alike Genma, but then I started reading.
and I was surprised, in a good way. for a prologue it's really interesting :) thought the boy's act, throwing a ball into her face was really violent, and it could be too much. but you said it's all about chaos, so guess it's bearable for prologue if it's gonna get even more violent later on xP
the eyes thing is catchy.
so it's basically a good start! I could even imagine manga panels how it should look like xD
Excellent beginning, SW. It's what a prologue should be - it's short and sweet. Doesn't bother with boring detail and grabs you immediately, convincing you that this is a story you want to read.
ReplyDeletethat's intense.
ReplyDeleteI must start of by saying that I think I will enjoy myself.
ReplyDeleteI like how you jumped almost immediately from the narrative to character dialogue allowing the character's actions to describe them.
Gemma is very interesting.
At first, coming off as cool, calm and collected but further reading reveals a twist.
I can't wait to see where you will go with this and find out what it is that is speaking to her.
This is what a prologue should be. It catches the reader and keeps them wondering. I like how you didn't give out too much information, so it keeps the reader wanting more, and can't wait to get more. It was detailed, and easy to understand what was going on. You didn't give off to much information, and that was good, because it makes you want more. Overall, I really enjoyed it, and I will read every chapter you write. (:
ReplyDeletethis is an awesome way to open. i can already picture it animated and stuff
ReplyDeleteThis is a fantastic prologue. It draws me in and makes me want to read more. I like how it starts in a simple setting with the protagonist engaged in a simple activity until the voice in her head wants takes control and she kills him.....i think. It ended at the perfect, suspenseful point and makes me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteMost definitely enjoyable because it's short and lets you know that this girl is not to be messed with. Makes me want to read so much more. And I definitely will be.
ReplyDeleteFinished the prologue. =]
ReplyDeletethat was a really good way to open a story. Its short dark and very interesting. Very violent right off the bat to let you know this is not your typical story.
ReplyDeletethis prologue is great its short and straight to the point. it also lets you know that gemma has a dangerous personality inside her. great set up.
ReplyDeleteIntense, and amazing. Can't wait to start reading the rest. Keep up the good work :D
ReplyDeleteI'm interested. Caught my attention right away, and brought me in. Excited to see where it goes after this quick prologue.
ReplyDeleteI have a loooong way to go D: but this was pretty good,I don't like Jake, he's a jerk lol.
ReplyDeleteI like the fact that you detail Gemma's thoughts in the script. It gives the reader more hints regarding her personality even before you get into the meat of the storyline. For me her character is somewhat relatable in the sense that she seems closed off, and like most antisocial kids unable to interact calmly with others. I am looking forward to reading the rest :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe add some of the boys thoughts too? [: I like where this story is going and I like the simple details.
ReplyDeleteahhh I need to know what happens next...
ReplyDeleteI liked how, Gemma's self is introduced simply by her partially blind eyes, as for what I interpret her alter ego the black eyes.
ReplyDeleteSo already we have a partially blind, sociopathic, passive aggressive girl. Interesting. I look forward to reading the rest.
ReplyDeleteReally grasps your interest!!!!! Love this chapter
ReplyDeleteI really like the premise of this prologue but i think it can be executed a little better. This is the opening of the whole series, you should get more descriptive. Especially with the voice in Gemma's head. I read that and i just thought to myself, what does it sound like? Is it a hissing voice? Was it gravely and forced like you'd imagine the dead would speak? Was it deep and forceful or high and cruel? If this voice is plaguing her, i want to know more about. These are things that as a reader, i would want to know, and would definitely help me connect to the story.
ReplyDeleteI do however feel like it progresses well. The creepy voice does good to catch a person's attention and her line about being nice not always stopping the voices in your head has such a foreboding, threatening feel about it. I'd just say paint a little more of a picture, you have an excellent canvas set up here.
Well this certaintly catches my intrest! Way to keep a reader wanting more! So far nothing really negitive to say.
ReplyDeleteI like how the last sentence of the first paragraph tells the reader that Gemma does not know any humans other than her family. It gives the feeling that she either is not fully human or something else entirely. What follows afterward really supports that I believe.
ReplyDeleteGemma's insane. Gemma's ... not human? Jake's not human? Jake has a short fuse and needs anger management, but I have a feeling that's about to become a moot point.
ReplyDeleteDude this trips me out im sort of lost why her eyes turned black like the suspense. sort of lost but cant wait to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteAhhh! I am startin all over again and I am already hooked. Cannot wait to recall all the moments, surprises and twists in this amazing story!
ReplyDeleteI'm not so interested in Gemma right now as I am with the voice inside of her. Nothing is established about the voice and the constant repetition of "kill him" just makes it all more interesting. Schizophrenic, multiple personalities, or just plain talking to herself. I wanna see if and how the voice develops. Thought I did read Gemma much like Carrie, but that's just my initial interpretation of what seems would be like a 5 minute movie intro before the title comes up. So far Jake does nothing for me, but this is just the prologue. No way to tell what will become of him, if anything at all.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really good beginning, an amazing prologue! Loved the way you included Gemma's inner thoughts in the dialogue. It's really intense and suspenseful. The description of everything and visuals are amazing!
ReplyDeleteReally love this! Dark, mysterious, and intriguing :) A great prologue gets your attention right away and gets you excited to read the story, and this does exactly that.
ReplyDelete