Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Chapter Five: Her Hands

15 years ago…

Four year old Suri woke up after hearing a loud scream. She rubbed her eyes and moved to get off the bed. Her little feet didn’t quite reach the ground, she let go with a thud.
Suri
Mommy?
She opened the door slowly, still afraid of the dark. She walked down the hall to her parents' room. She saw down the stairs the TV was still on.
Suri
Daddy?
She continued to her parents’ room, knowing even at such a young age, mommy always laid in bed brushing her hair. The door was wide open, and her mom was lying in bed. Suri climbed onto the bed with a little bit of a struggle.
Suri
Mommy, I heard a scream.
Suri, like all the other times she had a little nightmare, was expecting her mom to tell her it was nothing and she had nothing to be afraid of. No response came, not even any movement.
Suri
Mom, I’m taking to you.
She put her hand on her mother's face.
Suri
You’re cold mommy.

She tapped her mom's neck.
Suri
Mommy, wake up.
Her mom didn’t wake.
Suri
Mommy, wake up. Wake up, mommy.
She began to shake her.
Suri
Mommy, what’s wrong? Wake up.
She went to look for her mom's hands under the covers. She felt a warm sticky liquid, even for her age, she knew it was blood.
Suri
Mommy, you’re bleeding. Wake up!
Although she kept shaking and asking her mom to wake, she didn’t. Suri began to cry.
Suri’s Dad
Baby, don’t cry.
Suri jolted her head to see her dad at the door with a smile and knife in hand.
Suri
Daddy, why do you have a knife? Why won’t mom wake up?
He walked forward.
Dad
Sweetie, I’m not going to hurt you.
The moonlight shined off the knife.
Suri
Did you do this to mommy?
He put the knife behind his back.
Dad
No, mommy had an accident.
Suri looked at her mom again.
Suri
Mommy doesn’t have accidents.
He stepped closer.
Dad
Suri, go to your room and get in bed.
Suri
Why daddy?
He walked to the bed.
Dad
Just go, and I’ll be in to tuck you in right after.
Suri looked at her mom.
Suri
What about mommy?
He put his hand on her head.
Dad
Mommy is very tired.
Suri knew he was lying, she’d seen enough TV with him late at night. She got off the bed and ran to her room.  
Dad
Suri!
She ran into her room and shut the door. She had no time to lock it because he was already pushing the door.
Dad
Suri, get the chair out of the way of the door.
Suri only had her hands on the door pushing against his weight.
Suri
Stop, daddy!
The door cracked.
Dad
I’m going to show you what I did to mommy.
She pushed harder. The door flew off the hinges and pushed her father far back with it across the hall. The window behind Suri burst into pieces. She screamed and turned around and saw a man sitting on the window frame. His long black hair flowing in the wind.
Stranger
Relax child, I will not hurt you.
He walked forward.
Stranger
And neither shall he.
He crouched down next to Suri.
Stranger
Are you okay?
Suri looked up to him.
Suri
Yes, but my mommy isn’t.
The man stood up to see Suri’s father limping to the door.
Dad
Who the fuck are you?
Stranger
That does not matter. You will not hurt this girl.
Dad
She is my daughter, asshole! Get the fuck out of my house!
Stranger
Not anymore.
Suri’s dad raised his knife.
Dad
Not anymore?
Stranger
She is in my care now.
Dad
You’re not taking her anywhere!
Stranger
And you will stop me?
Dad
Yes I will!
He ran up to the stranger and jammed his knife in his chest.
Dad
My eyes!
The knife shattered on the stranger’s chest and ricocheted across Suri’s fathers face.
Stranger
You were saying?
The stranger lifted his hand and gently pushed Suri’s dad and he was lifted off the ground and back across the hall.
Stranger
Humans never surprise me.
He looked down on Suri.
Stranger
What is your name?
Suri didn’t look up. She kept her head in her knees.
Suri
My mommy told me not to talk to strangers.
Stranger
My name is Hayden Olymny. What is yours?
Suri
Suri Monroe.
Hayden
That is a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl.
Suri
Thank you.
She sobbed a bit.
Hayden
Your mother is gone Suri, she is not sleeping.
Suri
No, she is sleeping. She’ll wake up and I’ll be here.
Hayden
You’re coming with me.
Suri
No, I’m staying here with mommy.
Hayden
I can’t allow that to happen Suri.
Suri
Leave me alone.
Hayden
Never.
Suri
Leave me alone.
Hayden
No Suri, you are my child now.
She looked up to him, her eyes met his and she felt like it was okay to go.
Hayden
I will protect you like today. I will protect you tomorrow, forever, and ever, till the end, and then after.
He stuck out his hand and she grabbed it with a tight grip.
Hayden
Your hands are special, Suri.
She smiled.
Hayden
Lets go.
Suri
Wait!
She let go of his hand and ran down the hall to her mother’s side. She took the necklace off her mom; it was a heart shaped locket with a picture of them both inside with a quote that said,
“Don’t cry baby, you’re always in my heart, as I am in yours.”
Suri
I love you, mommy.
She kissed her mom on the cheek.
Suri
I promise I won't cry. Never.
She walked to the door where Hayden stood and grabbed his hand. She looked back one more time at an old life she’d never live again.
Suri
Bye, Mommy.

35 comments:

  1. Smart little girl for Four years old.
    Thats pretty tight

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  2. I just finished the first 5 chapters and I feel so behind! It's going to be something great Steven. I'm already getting a big-screen picture of these characters and these places and I actually caught myself thinking of actors and actresses to play these parts. Hmm maybe that's what I'll do...I'll be your casting director (=
    Anyways, story-wise, I'm trying to figure out where this is going. It reminds me alot of the Narnia Chronicles or the Lord of the Rings type epic story in that every character has a significance and a purpose. I'm really anxious to see what lies in store for each of them.
    Haha and you were not kidding when you said there's alot of you in this story. Some of the stuff from Gemma and Fallen especially, I have to read over twice to wrap my head around what they are trying to convey. The thought-provoking philosophical riddles bring to mind many of of our own conversations. Arkain's view of religion, though simplified, even made me think of that 2 hour "chat" the other day. It's ambitious, intelligent and very YOU. Great writing lopp (=

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  3. the only critique i have is maybe to change hayden's line from "you're coming with me" to "you have to come with me" its a little less pedo

    still though awesome chapter.

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  4. Wow did not see this really coming, just kinda hit me. Good chapter

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  5. I really like how you flashed back to show us how Suri became involved in the whole situation and how she got her power. It kind of gives us a sense of who she is and where she comes from. I like how you didn't just throw her in. I'm excited to see how she plays a role in the story and how all these characters come together and for what purpose.

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  6. I agree with Jonathon. Not only does it help us understand her, it also shifts our focus from present to past, making the story more dynamic. :) Loves it!

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  7. im so confused with why they just kill people but it still totally has my attention

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  8. Hayden ^_^

    He's so right.

    No offense to anyone buttt.
    Mortals are so pathetically predictable.

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  9. Something of this much weight and story needs to be extended for television. Unless it ends up being a 3 hour movie trilogy like LOTR haha. This is a great flashback, and quite sad :(

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  10. :( the locket is really sentimental. I HATE IT

    ahaha

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  11. Wow. this one was pretty intense. I love how you jumped right into the flashback and didn't connect it back to the rest of the present just yet. It gives me some background on Suri and reveals thats she has always had magic abilities. This chapter was very moving, and horribly sad. You know you're a great writer when I can picture everything and you're already evoking the reader's emotion only 5 chapters in. the part when Suri says goodbye to her mother is really touching despite how sad it is. Gotta go read some more now! :)

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  12. How sad for Suri..yet she was already smart and brave for her age...i like the locket as well,
    ...and Hayden is so calm all the time and loving/caring..

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  13. :((((((((((((
    this made me sad.

    hayden reminds me of dumbledore

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  14. all the characters seem really intelligent at all times. as if they were created by the gods like they said a few chapters back with arkain. and arkain also said he was never normal. like all the characters have a purpose to serve.it kinda reminds me of ffxiii :) i can explain later if ud like just txt me

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  15. Omg how sad:( this chapter almost made me cry
    I really like this story

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  16. this chapter is so emotional! i literally had some tears!

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  18. I love the backdrop story of suri

    u kinda get a sense of where she comes from

    her tragedy

    but also the new found love and protections he gained

    u want to feel sorry for her but im happy that someone greater has come to take her

    she is a very intelligent 4 yr old and i have met them who actually speak in that manner

    im def looking forward to suri

    and every character

    they all seem very significant and i cant wait to see how they carry out their purpose or how everyone ties together.

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  19. The development of Suri's past and her power at the same time was well written.

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  20. Very cool background. I really liked the mood and tone of this chapter.

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  21. patological background huh?
    at least I see where you're coming from if it is really your trying to explain all that "powers" thing, which I think it is indeed. it needs continuation, if not straight at the beginning of next chap then at it's end when suri would be explaining those powers. we need to know a few about it ;d

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  22. Your righting is reminiscent of early Quentin Tarantino movies. Its like you're weaving a giant web. It all seems like lines at first but slowly its taking shape.

    I really enjoyed this one.
    Flashbacks are always good.

    When you introduced Suri in the last chapter, I wasn't really sure how I felt about her. With this insight, I am more comfortable with her as a character. I feel more connected because I can relate to her, on a small scale, of course. Not in her tragedy, but in her fear. As this new medium enters her life, she is afraid to pursue it. It is a fear of leaving behind that which is familiar to chase after the unknown. I'm sure that everyone has felt this at one time or another.

    I'd like to see how this little girl grew into the girl from the last chapter.

    I wanted to see a demonstration of Hayden's power. I didn't think it would come so quickly.
    It's impressive.
    I'm getting a kind of young Dumbledore vibe from him. I don't know if that's what you want to hear.
    I think Dumbledore is amazing though, so its a compliment.

    So, Hayden is Suri's protector?
    Is he a father figure to her or just a mentor?

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  23. 'No, she is sleeping, she’ll wake up and I’ll be here.' - HEART IS BREAKING,

    yeah im getting a vibe that hayden is suri's protector.. a mentor, but idk, i imagine in a few years as she grows older, hayden has some romantic fascination with her and vice versa.

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  24. A very emotionally powerful chapter, SW. One is both struck with horror at the heinous act of the father and left with a sense of the pain and loss endured by Suri.

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  25. Showing events of the past that lead up to how the present is effected is a great writing tech. Very interesting to see all these ppl with powers are super smart from birth and logical. good read you should work on getting this animated or a bad ass couple live action moives

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  26. Aww. I liked how it ended. Sadly, this is the future that little girl will grow up in =(
    I feel bad for her. Good chapter though.

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  27. It was sad that she lost her mom but I admire her strength to honor her mom's wish.. I hope this turns her into an even strong person and it shows later on. But one question is I want to know what Hayden is haha. If he's able to shatter a knife that hits his chest, what kind of creature/being is he?

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  28. Getting insight on Suri tells me she is going to be an important character. I like her! Sad past, losing both her parents (fuck her dad though), but her past will be the spark for her strength to fight. I also like how Hayden is a kind alien being with magical powers.....like God! :0 lol

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  29. i love suri
    and i think hayden has a big prof. x vibe

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  30. Why do I have girl emotions!!!! Why did you make me cry!!! At least she got to keep her mothers necklace :(

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  31. This chapter is something that was not expected at all. It is like Suri has this power to push whatever she wants out of the way when she is upset and/or scared. It is a pretty graphic image to such a young child to see her father after committing such a crime onto her own mother. Hayden and Suri seem to have a long past which I think will come into play in future chapters and curious to see how this will affect Arkain, if it does.

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  32. Nice to know the background between the two characters. I hope I can keep track of all of their names. It is sad that she had to be taken away after such a horrible tragedy. Hopefully this hasn't made her have underlying anger issues that could surface at the wrong time.

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  33. omg i love hayden right now! SOOOO good! love this chapter! :)

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  34. My favorite chapter so far. (Flashbacks and backstories always get me). This is SO well-written and definitely tugged at my heartstrings a bit. Also made me love Suri's character more; I'm interested to see how her past comes into play and affects her personality/actions in future chapters.

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